


my superstitious thinking will be the death of me (broken mirrors seven years)

by bihenry



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Could Be Canon, Gen, Panic Attacks, Underage Drinking, bi!ricky implied, big red is only mentioned but .. ridcky? idk but rise, jus .. word vomit tbh, ricky's not in the musical, the ship tag is vague this is mostly abt ricky n him going thru it, ummm - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 10:16:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21509443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bihenry/pseuds/bihenry
Summary: he remembers when his parents loved each other, once upon time. maybe they still do. ricky wouldn't know.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 5
Kudos: 116





	my superstitious thinking will be the death of me (broken mirrors seven years)

**Author's Note:**

> um. this is just .. me having one brain cell and writing out whatever comes to my head. no editing in sight. there really isn't a coherent plotline in this and i feel like it ends really weirdly but i just had a lot of emotions about my boy. seriously. one rational thought and my spotify has it by playing all the hits. don't come for me it's 2 am. maybe i'll write something coherent one day but tonight is not it
> 
> warnings for underage drinking, implied alcohol abuse, divorce, panic attacks of sorts. uhhhh. that's it. 
> 
> title from drag me down by in her own words

he's always been relatively chill. even as a baby, he was happy .. or at least that's what his parents said. 

ricky knows that his parents love him. if they didn't, he wouldn't be here - right? that's how he looks at it. 

there's things he still doesn't understand ( what went wrong, where they stopped loving each other, why they had to do it this why, why he can't just say three little words to nini ... )

as a kid, he loved hugs. still does. he's not the type of guy to be like ' _no homo_ ' or anything, because it's _2019_ y'all --- and he's pretty sure big red is gay ( and _himself_ is another story ). anyways, physical affection hasn't been an issue for him. 

his dad hugged him, his mom always held his hand way after the whole toddler phase. he just loved to be around people. he'd slept in his parents bed for a long time, especially after the nightmares that plagued him constantly as a child.

always the sensitive one - but his mom was there to wipe his tears away.

more importantly, he was always a _fixer_. he fixed things. his mom was hurt? get her a bandaid. his dad was upset? do something dumb to make him laugh. ricky fixed things. and for the most part, it worked. he was always able to make things work out in his favor sometimes. 

that's when it was good -- at it's best, he thinks.

* * *

he remembers when his parents loved each other, once upon time. maybe they still do. ricky wouldn't know. 

he remembers bits and pieces before it was bad. his mom tucking him in at night, them both coming in to kiss him goodnight. dad picking him up from school and his mom sitting on the porch as he learns to ride his skateboard --- gifted to him by his cousin, though his little legs are to small to actually use it effectively. still, it's fun and keeps him active.

things started going downhill when he was in 6th grade. particularly, the summer before.

sharp jabs at each other that used to mimic the playful teasing, hushed whispers after he had supposedly gone to bed that turn into arguments that lasted for days ; slamming doors and glares across the table in the morning while he's eating his cereal ( seriously -- right in front of his cereal? )

ricky tries not to let it show. he does an alright job, he supposes, adults and peers thinking it's just puberty or going through their own thing to really care all that much. 

it's hard --- she moves out for a while, then back in. his dad sleeps on the couch. ricky passes through the halls of his own home like a ghost, the tension in the rooms they're all in sitting on his shoulders like dumbbells. 

he sees his friends families when they go over ; they all look _happy_ , at least on the surface. ricky knows it might just be a facade. he's lived one long enough to spot it, at least in part.

he doesn't -- not even with red's parents. they all seem genuinely happy. 

he kind of hates it. 

* * *

he's good at pretending. 

pretending he's not just coasting by at the edge of his heels, the front of his skateboard through life. 

he has a helmet for when he gets hurt on the board, not for when life decides to knock him off his feet.

* * *

he'd never really had a lot of friends.

for starters, he wasn't exactly the most expressive when it came to his feelings. sure, he could say dumb things that could be interpreted as love -- but the l word, love, he'd hardly heard it it recent memory. it made a pit of anxiety appear in his gut. he didn't like it.

ricky knows that being alone is okay. everyone is alone at some point. 

he just wishes he wasn't alone in almost every aspect of his life.

* * *

he finds the stash of alcohol in his dads closet when he's looking for a specific shirt ; a sweatshirt he wanted to borrow, despite the fact that he'd be swimming in it. still, utah was cold and it was heavy enough not to make him overheat. 

ricky isn't sure what to do with the information. it's not even hidden that sneakily ; push the doors and it's in the corner, as if it wanted to be found .. or lazily put away, but he wasn't sure. small hands grasp the bottle, it making a clacking sound when they knock close to each other in the package. he's not even sure how to pronounce the name, and the smell of it even unopened makes his nose scrunch in disgust. yuck. why do people drink that stuff again? the door closes with a creak and he takes a step back. his dad had left for work already, and his mom was away on a business trip. it was just ricky to get himself ready for school.

just ricky. like usual.

the bottles aren't forgotten by the time he gets on his board to ride to school, but by the end of the day, they're a lingering thought in the back of his mind as he rides down to red's house.

gone, but not forgotten - and he's been keeping notes since.

some days are better than others ; judging by the bottles he finds in the garbage outside, the dumpster where he throws the trash in when doing his chores.

the tally's don't really change. 

some things never do, no matter how hard he tries.

* * *

high school is fine ; he makes more friends than he had before, shedding his middle school skin like a snake and becomes a new person - the class clown, the one who just does what he can to get by. he can only do so much with the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

nini is the first to really see through that facade, like he's just a bunch of funhouse doors and there's emotions so locked up that it's choking him, crawling underneath the door and claw marks marking their space. 

she's cute, and smart and nice and funny and she questions, but not enough to fully make him shut down. it's nice and he can feel himself opening up about things -- the feelings he's kept in a bottle that's floated out to sea, the situation with his parents. she knows and she understands to the best of her ability ( her grandmother is a psychoanalyst ... he has a feeling she gets a lot of it from there ).

she introduces him to her moms, and it's nice. they're happy. the smiles on their faces look like they're gonna fall off .. but it's all real, and not forced like his own parents. they ask him questions and he gives semi-vague answers. it's all kinds of _almost uncomfortable_ but ricky doesn't mind. 

* * *

they spend a lot of time on her bed. it's comfortable, warm. he falls asleep on it more times than he should when they study together. if she minds, she doesn't say anything. 

her room is cheerful and light -- there's actual bright lights in comparison to the dark colors of his. 

blue sheets in his bed in comparison to her light ones ; it's a contrast of them in actuality. ricky is the moon and nini is the sun. he's dark, mysterious and only shows himself in full on rare occasions. nini is bright, sunny. always a light in others lives. radiates warmth to everyone around her.

he feels part of himself revolving around her -- like the planets or some shit, he's never paid that much attention science class.

her bed is very much their space. he feels most comfortable there, often times them laying on or against each other in silence. it's nice. really, the only person he ever felt okay doing that was with red. and with nini, she doesn't expect anything. he can just exist without having all those fronts of him.

putting on a show can be so tiring. 

* * *

they go to their first real party in the middle of their sophomore year; a real, high school party. some senior nini did a musical with invited them, and ricky is her plus one while big red is his. it's a system, and nini doesn't seem to mind it.

of course, there's alcohol. of course, ricky and big red get into things they shouldn't. not too much -- just enough to really feel something. or to forget. well, some thing. it's not like he doesn't see the alcohol bottles in the dumpster outside when he takes the trash out ; he's not an idiot, and bottles began to multiply as months went on. 

no one told him the room would be spinning.

"nini?" he says, turning to look over at her from where his head rests in her lap. she's leaning against the headboard ; he's still in his clothes from the party, because they hadn't expected to sneak him back into her room like this. but nini didn't trust him getting home alone and curfew was almost up, no to mention that they didn't know he was a clumsy drunk either.

( he's not even drunk --- more like tipsy, but for a first timer, it doesn't matter ).

she blinks down at him, her hands resting in his hair and lightly scratching his scalp. ricky is sure it's the alcohol in his system, but it feels good, and pushes his head further into his hand as encouragement for her to keep the motion going. she does. somehow, she always has a way of making him feel safe - though he feels as if it should be the other way around sometimes ; him protecting her. she says he does in his own way, but ricky still feels inadequate sometimes.

"are your parents happy?"

in his girlfriends defense, it's an odd question. he should've expected the weird look. frankly, he couldn't take it back now, not like he could if wanted to. his tongue feels heavy like it's made of lead and his mouth is so dry -- he's already drank two water bottles since they got to her house, and it didn't help. 

"i think so, yeah." her tone is serious and he's not sure why --- it wasn't meant to come out, it wasn't meant to be asked.

"you should go to sleep, babe. we're gonna have to sneak you back out tomorrow morning." he groans internally at the thought but his heart flutters at the nickname ; pet names were something he never really heard around his house, not for years - hearing that in context of him nearly makes his brain short circuit. _keep it together, bowen._

"i don't want to." like a child, he huffs -- it's not menacing, meaning more playful than not.

"ricky," she says as if she's exasperated, and maybe she is a bit -- but she's smiling slightly down at him. his head turns to face the t.v once more.

and if he falls asleep only a few moments afterwards, eyes blearily blinking at the t.v while she rubs his head, then it's forgotten in the moment.

* * *

secrets don't make friends, but it doesn't matter when both you and your parents are keeping things from each other.

* * *

they don't tell him about the divorce. not really, not like they should've. maybe it would've hurt less.

they hadn't said I love you in two years. he'd been counting. he'd been paying attention, but not enough. 

it'd been long enough that he almost lost count in between everything that had been going on with himself.

he'd been hoping - **praying** \- for a miracle ; they'd realized they still wanted each other, needed each other. they could've worked it out. 

_they could've still been a family._

they could've played the charade, much like he had been for the past few years - keeping the image of happiness, perfection. why is ricky the only one who kept up the act? don't they know how much it hurts to do so - every day? how many bruises his heart has from it, how much weight he's taken on because they won't talk? to him or to themselves ; keeping things hush hush until they can't anymore. 

instead, he sees his mom out on a date with someone else.

nini pulls him away by the hand as he continues to stare, but he doesn't feel anything. 

just numbness down to his core. he knew things were bad, but they hadn't been as bad as they were. his dad still hung around the house ( seemingly only when he was there - _but it was a start !_ ) his dad seemed better, the less alcohol bottles he found in the trash at his dads own apartment was a good sign. things were getting better. there wasn't as much tension, none since his dad had moved out - but he still came over often and sometimes, ricky went to his apartment.

it hits him like a basketball to the face.

they haven't been hiding it from him --- looking back at the facts now ; he's just been _too damn dumb_ to see it. they weren't hiding anything. he just hadn't been smart enough to ask.

they go back to nini's house - _smart call_ , 'cause otherwise he'd probably go on a rampage. they find themselves on her bed once more, the same position from that night he'd had too much and fell asleep after climbing up her stairs in his drunken state. 

has ricky ever mentioned how much comfort he gets from just being around her?

already, he can feel himself calming as he has his hands over his eyes; shielding his teary eyes from her worried expression.

" _ricky_ ," she tries -- but he ignores it and rubs the back of his hands into his eyes. 

"i tried - you know? I tried to keep us together. as a family. I wanted them to try - but they didn't. I thought things were getting good again," he sits up and moves to his feet. nini doesn't try to stop him, instead sitting with her feet on the ground and perched on the edge of the bed. "they were getting good again. my - my dad, he was coming around again. he was smiling." god, he doesn't remember the last time his dad smiled like that. like he enjoyed being around them. "there hadn't been any bottles - no bottles, not really. and my mom .. was good too, i think. i think so. so why is she out with someone else? why didn't they just tell me about the divorce, nini?" he's asking her questions that she doesn't have the answer to. 

"ricky." this time he looks at her. she's wearing that expression she has whenever he's talking too fast, like he's making things up out of thin air. maybe he is. god, nini was just .. she always knew what to do. "i think you should talk to them." she takes his hands in hers and squeezes. it's grounding. he feels less floaty, less like he's going to run out of air in his lungs. "and just ... tell them how you're feeling, maybe? i don't think it was intentional, to keep it from you. they might've just been waiting until the right time."

he nods. it's a solid, rational thought ; the first he can really get through his head since he saw his mom and the guy who most certainly wasn't his father in the restaurant window. 

"i think i will."

* * *

he doesn't immediately. 

first, he skates and tries to think about how to fix it.

the wind on his face feels nice, he watches as the street below him travels faster than he can really keep up with ; it reminds him of his racing thoughts, but the steady feeling of the board underneath him keeps him grounded. it's possible, to fix this. to make things go back to normal.

but maybe there's some situations he can't fix. 

doesn't mean he can't try.

ricky bowen is not a quitter. 

not at this, not at anything.

maybe if he proves it, they'll stay.

**Author's Note:**

> stream wondering and follow me on tumblr @ bisexualricky


End file.
